I wonder if anyone ever came across this situation; when you want to express your feelings and frustrations through words, but you're stuck on the first sentence; constantly backspacing between typing on how you want to start. Once you're done with an opening, regurgitating everything you feel in words will be so much easier then. I believe most of us have been there and experienced that. However for me, it is every sentence. Since young, language is my worse enemy, be it English or Mandarin. I am so used to speaking Singlish, or rather, I only speak Singlish, that I cannot even express how I really feel inside, unless I'm allowed to use Singlish. Funny how some people rebut with "Eh I can speak proper English one ok. Just that I don't want only." when someone criticize them for not being able to speak English, but in reality, they fumble when e.g. trying to convey their message in English to a foreigner. (but I digress). I just want to warn and apologize in advance to whomever is reading this that this post is full of Singlish as this is the only way for me to express how I really feel. My atrocious grammar might cause you to cringe and my misuse of vocab might cause you to.. idk. ( you see? Even my bank of vocab is so small that I can't find a word). Btw, I am doing my best to improve my language already ok! okok, let me spill some of the thoughts I have currently in my mind.
My lovely Mom, you have taught me about the virtue of being appreciative of everything you have, and I am really thankful for that. But Mom, have you forgotten about this virtue after passing it to me? Dad came back early to cook specially for you and you should be appreciative for that. You complain that he never wishes you Happy Birthday. But Mom, is that even necessary when he showed it through his actions? You should know that Dad have always been a Man of few words. He does not express his affection through words, but through action. I believe that love can be expressed in many different forms; It can be expressed by saying it out loud, or through actions. Even without his wish, I believe you would have felt his love and sincerity for you, because I know I did.
Just like before, you told me I love my friends more than my family, and I have never loved this family before. (& I swear it was damn hurtful lo, laobu!) Mom, if I don't love my family, I would not even plan birthday celebrations for you. I would not even make a hand-made card for you. I would not even be sad for not scoring my tests (I always feel guilty and sad, not for myself, but for the disappointment you will have in me). I would not even come home. I would not even tell you my plans for the day. I would not.. - there are infinite reasons and many are expressed through actions. Even though like Dad, I don't express my love through words, I hope Dad, Brother, and especially you have felt my love and affection through my actions. I wish I have the courage to say all of this to you but it is not that easy.. Well, darn it, it's impossible for me to say all of this face to face to you without tearing. You might say, just cry la! But, I can't, not in front of people, not even my family. So, I can only type all of my thoughts that were meant to be said, meant to be conveyed. Maybe one day, I might be brave enough to do that. But for now, I got to go!
